plane rides from the nethers

I love flying. Everything about planes excites me, probably because it usually means I’m on vacation. The only thing about planes that irk me are the other passengers. I don’t dislike them all, just the ones that get seated next to me who are decidedly quite disgusting.

If there was one thing that would motivate me to make more money in life, it would be that I could buy a ticket on first class and have my private own cubicle.

So I thought that I’d list some of the grubs I’ve been lucky enough to sit next to and see if anyone else can top / add to the list…

Sitting securely at the number one spot:

An elderly man was sitting next to me one flight. The food arrived. He asks the flight attendant for an extra glass of water. He moves the first glass onto MY table, and places the second one on his tray. He proceeds to then noisily remove his DENCHERS and places these into the second cup, providing me with an appetising view of his choppers while I enjoy my meal.

Coming up in second place…

Upon falling asleep, man breaks into a steady, almost rhythmic display of flatulence. At first, I exploded into giggles…but that came to an abrupt halt the moment they ceased to be odorless.

In third position…

Woman who spends entire trip coughing and sneezing without observing the need to cover her mouth/nose for the benefit of the entire plane, and especially for me. The cherry on this cake of germs was when she wiped and picked her nose, then wiped it on her seat.

Fourth position goes to…

Man who feels it is quite acceptable to sit with legs spread wide enough to take up half of my own cramped leg room. Really, if he insists that it’s his right to sit spread eagled in ECONOMY class and take up half of my own space, he should pay for half of my ticket. I don't believe that's an unreasonable ask.