things that will never happen

Things I want to happen that never will but should:

Number one:

Can we please abolish PMS? As much as I love not knowing what mood-crane my hormones will choose to swing me straight into a world of ferocious insecurity and unfathomable rage, I could probably do without it.

A quick peek back at the last 3 months was fun.

Month One had me developing “Snapping-Jaw Syndrome”. If someone so much as breathed in my direction, I’d growl as though they were stealing my first born. No one escaped my line of fire. My entire world for that one week was a perpetual battleground upon which I was the snarling victim.

Month Two had me a walking advertisement for Kleenex. A Peter Mac commercial aired on television and I found myself engulfed by a flood of tears enough to restore Melbourne’s water reserves to full capacity. Even the half tender look from my Kebab vendor as he handed me over my lunch was enough to generate a supreme demonstration of fine waterworks.

Month Three- had me hosting the World’s largest pimple convention this side of the hemisphere, smack BAM on my chin. Need I say anymore.

Number Two:

At the snap of my fingers, disgusting people around me should just disappear.

Yes, you- the man on my tram this afternoon sweating profusely, who then thought it would be a simply grand idea to flap his t-shirt up and down in order to circulate some of MY much needed fresh air about his flabby belly. I might have had the grace to let this one go had I not then received a nice spray of his sweat, expelled from his drenched shirt, all over my arm.

And the other man on my tram last week who was perfectly content to sit next to me, while indulging in a spot of nostril house cleaning. Very much the epitome of charm.

Number Three:

And lastly, to the pollen that chooses to be sneaky little bastards and attack me at night- please pack up your bags and go pollinate elsewhere.

That's all I have to say about that.